had a bad dream

in this one I had been working at a sketchy slightly pornographic modeling agency because it was the only way I could make money. I saw rachel working there too, pretending that she liked it. One day they forced me to take pictures showing my face and I didn't want to, so I quit and was very upset because they were forcing other girls to do sexual acts. I got home and was trying to call Adam and some of my friends but as usual the dials weren't working, then Adam showed up and was very upset about having to wait to be called, and I had to chase him to talk to him and explain the situation, but he was with Mike Reiff and some girl and they wouldn't go away when we were talking, Adam didn't want him to go away. (Perhaps Mike represents someone Adam very highly regards and I am jealous) Then Dana came and talked, she had driven 45 minutes to come and talk to me, and she was very understanding but as soon as it was done I called Adam to see how he was doing, and he was speaking to me in broken, monotone sentences. I think I woke up after that.

In other news, a new sensation came about yesterday, or should I say a new cause for an old sensation. I was about to check my balance at the ATM and that familiar prickly-tongue feeling came up. Thankfully my balance was higher than expected but it was the same physical side effects. I'm not glad to have anxiety about anything, but I'm glad that it's more than just one thing, not only the relationship. I tend to get it about school too, especially about grades, and timing myself with reading.

Yet somehow I'm afraid that when Micky is here, he and Adam will have some conversation that will end up with him realizing that he shouldn't be with me right now, or that there's something wrong with us. I'm afraid of that every time he sees Rachel because that's what happened last year, although it's a year ago and blah blah, all that, times-a-changin, etc. Especially since he didn't answer me at all online yesterday, but let's get this straight...it's his best friend he hasn't seen for 2 years and it would probably be rude to be talking to anyone online the first day he's here. But I'm hoping he doesn't go into total Micky-hermit mode for the next 10 days, and then just expect me to drive them places like Letchworth and to stores. That would really piss me off.